To my Girl

To my girl, On your third birthday.  There isn't a day that goes by that my heart doesn't break a little more wishing you were here.  Wishing you were here to make a huge mess with your cake.  I wonder if you would like vanilla or chocolate, or if you'd want pink sprinkles or purple sprinkles.  Would you be tall like Lainie or petite like Ruthie?  What does your hair look like? How long would it be? Could I braid it or would you like it down?  Would you be blonde or brunette?  Would you be getting ready to start preschool and walk in with Lainie holding her hand?

Would you like to ride your bike?  Would you like to kick a soccer ball?  Would you love to surf?  Would you like dresses best?  Would you like to twirl and dance?  To get muddy and dirty?

I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I was living those answers instead of sitting here in a pile of tears wondering and grieving the fact that on this earth I just wont get those answers and being okay with that.

Time doesn't change the ache.  It doesn't dull it, it doesn't lessen it, We've just learned how to carry it.  Every day we carry it and every day we will.   Missing you will never change.  There are days where I lean heavily into the truth that I am one day, and one birthday, closer to celebrating with you, and I can celebrate that.  Tonight, my Ellie girl, I am just sad.  I just want you here.  I want to be making a lopsided cake and see how excited your sisters and brother are instead of holding up a picture and taking them to the cemetery.  Its not how it is supposed to be, yet this is how it is.  We are joyful and we are thankful, but we will always miss you.

I think writing this unleashed and allowed a flood of emotions I had secured back just to survive. Today I can't even look at a picture without crying and that is okay.  Perhaps by Friday I will have it together a little bit more and can put on a smile and sing with your sisters and brother and help them celebrate the fact that you were born and that you're having the greatest birthday party ever.  I will, God always allows me that.  He lets me feel harder leading up to these days and then feel his love more on the actual day through you and so many others who love us so well.  It doesn't make it easier, we've just learned we do hard.  We always will.

I don't usually write about the hard part as much, it allows the hurt to come just a little too close, but it is good for me.  It is good to get it out.  I will always be sad that I don't know the jokes you would tell, that I don't get to hold you when you fall, that you're not here.  I will always miss you.  I will always think of what you would be like today when you're just about 3.  What would your voice sound like, would you throw your head back when you laugh?  Would you be shy or outgoing? Would Ruthie still make you smile every time you see her?

I am always thankful for the time I had with you, and the time i have with you.  Those who haven't lost a child I don't think can ever understand that (thankfully).  There aren't words to explain it.  You are here and you are not.  That is hard and it always will be.  You have shown me so much and you continue to teach me.  Other days I will write about that.  Today, I'm just missing you.

.

My Biggest Girl

My big kindergartener.  She did great and goes to school part time and homeschools part time.  We've had one day on campus and one day at home and loved it.  Lainie did all the homeschool work with us and did everything!

 

 

On our way.

The Story of you-Isaac

I suppose I better try and write this all down before I forget.  When you combine grief with 2 big girls and a newborn, you might as well zap any memory I had left.

Isaac, your due date was July 13.  On July 9th, Ruthie told me you would be born tomorrow.  I've learned to trust her.  Our incredible OB, who is such a gift to us, told me to call in the morning of the 10th to see if I could come in to break my water (I was already at 4cm and almost completely effaced) so we wouldn't have to worry about a rapid delivery and the possibility of you arriving in the car.  I started praying on Thursday you would come on your own so we wouldn't have to decide.  I also found out our pastors wife was working (L&D nurse) on Friday, another thing I had been praying for.

After you lose a child, you're faced with all sorts of new issues, one of the harder things is small talk.  I knew how emotionally hard this was going to be anyways and I didn't want to have to go through the small talk with people who didn't know me, which usually goes something like, how many kids do you have, how old are they, etc.  Its a layer of hurt I didn't want to add to this experience, having our Pastors wife as our L&D nurse eliminated that because she knew us and knew the emotion that would come with this.

Anyways, I called the hospital at 5am (which we had not been to since losing Ellie) and they were full.  About the time I got off the phone the contractions started.  I texted my doctor and told her they were full but I didn't think I could wait much longer.  She immediately called me back and told me to come in, they had worked it out and there was a space for me.  I decided to take a shower, probably not the best idea because of the speed at which everything intensified, but I did. 

The girls were up and with my parents and we left about 7:30, Ruthie was so excited that she was right, it was Isaac's birthday!  We left and the car ride was very intense.  Joel was doing his best to get us there as fast as possible.  Another gift was the pain of the contractions going into the hospital.  Like I said, we hadn't been back since that horrible November day and going back was not something either of us was looking forward to.  The pain was a welcome distraction.

We got there and got into our room and the anesthesiologist arrived pretty quickly.  When we got there I was 6-7cm.  After the epidural was in, things slowed down a little bit.  Our doctor came in about 11am and broke my water.  Pretty soon after that, it was time to push and Isaac was born shortly after 12pm after pushing for less than 10 minutes.  It felt like an eternity and I think was the longest I've pushed with any of them.  To those of you that push for hours, I salute you.  That is no joke.

Answered prayers:
-you are here and healthy
-our favorite, amazing ob was working
-our pastors wife was working
-I went into labor on my own
-gigi and papa were here to take care of the big girls
-supernatural peace going back to the hospital

Here is a slew of pictures that I usually would put throughout the blog but I don't have the energy to right now.  Isaac, you are so loved.

Golden Birthday

This year was Ruthie's Golden Birthday and she was pumped!! She was outfitted by our incredible friend Trinie, down to the golden crown and most all of the party decorations were from here also.  Here are pictures.  

The best.

So proud.

Kitty curled Nay's hair and it was beautiful!

Girl Cousins!

The Golden setup

Handmade with Love by Trinie, who can do anything.

Pink cake with strawberries, marshmallows and golden sprinkles, designed by the birthday girl.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey, Lainie crushed it and won by a landslide.

Cousin fun

New Bike Tires, she is pumped!

Pinata Time

Gigi was the one who crushed the pinata!

Outside fun

Just before she ran off

Happy Birthday Ruru!

Incredible

This girl isn't even 3 1/2 yet, riding a bike without training wheels like a pro!

More

This girl is getting me with the cuteness lately.

BFF's

I just can't

Church on Easter

Grandma and Yasuhiro come to visit

 Our current favorite dresses.  They Twirl the best of any.

Easter Pictures

Still working to keep at least the pictures up, the content isn't coming to me very easily, so for now, pictures will have to do. 

Preschool Easter Egg Hunt

Nays artwork

Going to see the Easter Bunny, only I didn't realize the picture cost $18! So this is what we got!

Easter Sunday in their beautiful dresses that perfectly twirl!  Thanks Gigi!

Grandpawpaw

Aunt Nana

Visiting Nonnie at School

 Easter Egg Hunt again

Finally, a free picture with the Easter Bunny at church!

Happy Easter! This is one of 2 Holidays I couldn't be more thankful for.